Sometimes you and your mate have a fight. Conflict seems to be part of love. This article focuses on married couples but it's also suitable for all of us. Let's get ready to find good solutions to the conflicts between you and your mate!
I excerpt some concepts from the article and help us to find a good way to manage couples' conflict.
Psychologists have seen with their own eyes that the overwhelming majority of couples start out with true love and great expectations. But mounting evidence suggests we get into trouble for a very humbling reason. We just don't know how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable by-product of the differences between two people, the very differences that attract them to each other in the first place. Think of it as the friction any two bodies would generate rubbing against each other countless times each day.
As a result, a growing number of researchers and clinicians have come to the conclusion that most unhappy couples don't so much need therapy as they do education. Education in how relationships work, and the specific skills that make them work well.
"We haven't had the revolution we need about love," "Couples who marry now don't do anything different despite knowing that 50 percent of them will be divorced in a few years. They think their love is so special they'll make it. They don't realize that the survival of marriage is not about love, it's about skills. It's a skill to know how not to escalate a conflict if your relationship isn't working. It's not that you picked the wrong person. You need smart love."
Couple Communication-by Miller
....couples must shift from a reliance on the external--extended family, church--to an internal support system, where they can talk about issues and work out solutions."
....effective conflict resolution starts with the self--self-awareness, self-caring, self-honesty, knowing what one wants and valuing it enough to speak up for it clearly. "Lots of pathology grows out of not knowing yourself," he says. "Caring is listening to yourself, and owning what you've done and haven't done." Then listen to your partner do the same.
Relationship Enhancement(RE)-by Bernard Guerney
Its starting point is empathy, or compassion training--learning to see things from a partner's perspective. Empathy is what people are really seeking in marriage, and this expectation represents a major break with the past: "People are looking for someone to be emotionally supportive, a friend, a helpmate, a soulmate."
First and foremost in RE is empathic listening, then comes empathic responding. Partners learn how to express themselves in an honest way that helps their mate preserve their self-image without invoking defensiveness. "You need to present your pain--pain your partner has caused--in the context of your love for him or her, so he or she will be willing to make changes," says Guerney. "To convey one's feelings to one's partner is transformative to both."
......that marriage partners typically don't express their needs. Over time, many learn not to ask for what they want--while they secretly wish their partners understood these wants. "Their frustration builds," "so then they ask for what they want--but in an attacking way. And that guarantees they won't get it. Hostilities worsen and partners withdraw." People have to learn to ask for what they want in a nonthreatening way that's likely to lead to cooperation. "It creates a positive cycle that keeps love alive and growing,"
Premarital Relationship Enhancement(PREP)- by Markman
The technique, says Markman, is deceptively simple. "The Speaker" speaks, usually stating a complaint--without placing blame: It really makes me angry when you don't call and dinner is waiting on the table. "The Listener" doesn't respond or justify him or herself; he or she just demonstrates they've heard the comment by repeating it. "To be heard is a powerful tool by itself," Markman says. "It's at the core of all intimate relationships. You don't even need to solve the problem. In fact, it's critical not to resolve things, and just be heard by your partner. People want understanding from each other, not resolution. Couples are really arguing over things from the past. Once they clear the air, things get resolved by means of acceptance." During the private sessions, conducted by trained consultants, couples work on issues they haven't been able to resolve on their own.
We can work out-by Clifford Notarius
.....partners are not good at giving immediate feedback on how their messages are being received. This is especially true of unhappy couples. ....We Can Work It highlights the importance of expecting success. Couples who believe they can resolve their differences remain happy even under stress......
"We're all lousy listeners," he says, "because we're all fragile. We don't want to hear we're the source of our partner's pain." To help people be come aware of how their words affect each other, Notarius designates one partner as "the Listener," who holds up reaction cards--large signs with either a plus, minus, or neutral sign--as "the Speaker" speaks. Absent such clear feedback, he says, spouses don't understand why their partner's later response is an attack.
Marriage Survival Kit--by Gottman
"Everybody messes up," "The four horsemen of the marital apocalypse that I identified--criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling--are predictors of divorce. Everybody does them to some degree. But some couples deal with them successfully."
He says that what makes couples' attempts at repairing their relationships work is not how they fight but what goes on in everyday, relaxed situations. These situations give partners a positive perspective, so that when they get a blast of negativity from their spouse, they can ignore it and take in only the information in what's being said. In short, it's the mindless, mundane moments of marriage that are the makers of romance.
Happy couples find ways of knowing one another and updating the information regularly. "A fondness and admiration system is active, particularly in the husbands," "Those guys are thinking about the stuff they love and admire in their partners, even when they're not together. If you were to open up their skulls, you'd see they allocate a lot more brain cells to their marriages and the world of their partners than guys who wind up divorced."
PRACTICAL APPLICATION OF RELATIONSHIP SKILLS
Rules for the Speaker:
1. Speak for yourself. Don't mind read.
2. Keep statements brief. Don't go on and on.
3. Stop and let the Listener paraphrase what you say.
Rules for the Listener:
1. Paraphrase what you hear the Speaker say.
2. Focus on the Speaker's message. Don't rebut.
Rules for Both the Speaker and the Listener:
1. The Speaker has the floor.
2. The Speaker keeps the floor while the Listener paraphrases.
3. Share the floor.
Five basic skills for conflict resolution by John Gottman
1. Use a softened start-up. Present your complaints without criticism. Criticism involves a global attack or blaming of a partner, and only incites defensiveness.
2. Accept influence. Positively take in your partner's attempts to request things of you. In good marriages, both men and women freely give and receive influence from each other. Since women are already good at accepting influence from men, Gottman finds, a husband's role becomes critical in predicting whether a marriage will survive. To the degree that men can accept influence from their wives, marriages succeed.
3. Repair, or put the brakes on conflict. This means doing anything to halt or reverse negativity. Gottman gives couples a 72-point repair checklist, which includes statements such as "I'm feeling sad," and "Let's start all over again." Even "Will you shut up and listen" is usually a repair attempt.
4. Make use of physiologic soothing. Men are more physiologically aroused during conflict--a factor that often prompts withdrawal, which is deadly for relationships. They will remain engaged in problem-solving only if they or their partners take specific steps to calm them down. One of the best ways to do this is to declare a "time out" during heated discussions, and reconvene after at least 20 minutes of thinking about something else, or nothing at all.
5. De-escalate discord. In good marriages, couples actively de-escalate conflicts by doing things like injecting humor into situations or planting a kiss on their partner's cheek. Unfortunately, this is the one behavior Gottman admits he can't program. It just happens when couples have a positive perspective.
Reference
http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-962.html
Session 1.
Q1 Won't you think it is a wonderful thing if you and your gf/bf could comunicate without a word? Or, pherhaps you had some good experiences with your lover that you would like to share with us today.
Q2. Sometimes arguing is regarded as a way to communicate and conflicting seems unavoidable for couples. What do you think about it? How do you resovle it when you're in conflict with your gf/bf? Please give us some good experiences or the ways you deal with it!
Q3 To make sense of every argument, do you have any ideas for us to understand how to play a good speaker or a good listener!
Session 2
Let us give some feedback about the following concepts that psychologists provided
Choose any one you want to share to each other)
1. Having a good relationship is a skill, They don't realize that the survival of marriage is not about love, it's about skills. It's a skill to know how not to escalate a conflict if your relationship isn't working. It's not that you picked the wrong person. You need smart love."
2. Couples' conflicts can be resolve by "psychoeducation." What is your way to improve your relationship by education, ex.from taking courses or reading books...?
3......learning to see things from a partner's perspective,....to imagine themselves as the other person.
4.Guerney encourages couples to look for feelings and motives their partners haven't expressed. Do you often withhold your feelings, good or bad, to your mate? Or you are so direct to express your feelings to mate that may sometimes hurt her/him!
5.""To be heard is a powerful tool by itself," It's at the core of all intimate relationships. You don't even need to solve the problem. In fact, it's critical not to resolve things, and just be heard by your partner.
6.Partners are not good at giving immediate feedback on how their messages are being received. This is especially true of unhappy couples.
7.We oftenhave a need for self-protection-that distort the unpleasant messages our partners send. What's more, we're usually busy preparing our rebuttal. Can you sometimes give up your own beliefs and accept the difference between you and your mate?
8.We're all lousy listeners," "because we're all fragile. We don't want to hear we're the source of our partner's pain."To help people be come aware of how their words affect each other,one partner as "the Listener," who holds up reaction cards--large signs with either a plus, minus, or neutral sign--as "the Speaker" speaks. Such a good way, you can try someday!
9. You can share your own experience about couples' communication.
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wayne我們真是同一個年代的人呵...